


A Guide On How To Be Hetero

by WhatIsAir



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2013-06-06
Packaged: 2017-12-14 03:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatIsAir/pseuds/WhatIsAir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's written a book entitled 'A Guide On How To Be Hetero'.</p><p>Here's an excerpt: 'A model heterosexual always, always finds the opposite gender attractive. That’s basically the golden rule of heterosexuality.' </p><p>And as we all know, John is such a hetero role model.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Guide On How To Be Hetero

A Guide on How To Be Hetero

#1 New York Times Bestseller

by Dr. John H. Watson, M.D.

 

‘Your night light won’t be the only thing turned on after reading this.’ – the Rag

‘Straight as a rubber band.’ – Mitchell Strummer, author of My Time In the Closet

‘One hell of a ride, Dr. Watson.’ – Billy Murray, executive producer of How Straight Are You

 

Foreword by Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective

John told me to be honest and straightforward, and just write whatever came to mind. I find this book a waste of time and printing paper, but for some unknown reason it has become a New York Times bestseller. This just proves what I’ve been trying to tell him for years – people are imbeciles.

It may or may not have escaped your notice, but John isn’t exactly the first person I’d go to for help in a heterosexual relationship crisis. His longest relationship with someone of the opposite gender is around 2 weeks, 3 days and 17 hours – not exactly ideal boyfriend material – for females, at least.

John’s looking over my shoulder and laughing incredulously. I don’t know what he means by that. He did say to write from the heart – assuming I have one – which is exactly what I’m doing.

For all you unfortunate individuals who are about to be subjected to John’s oh-so-hetero advice, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 

Chapter I

This started out as a blog post to appease my therapist, and it was barely two lines long. Somewhere along the way I met Sherlock Holmes and my life changed. I was so alone, until he came along and I was swept up by the whirlwind that was him. I was blown completely off my feet, you might say. (When I say ‘blown’, I didn’t mean – we aren’t – we’re not like that.)

If you’re reading this, you’ve obviously got no life – I mean – this is the blog of an invalided army doctor from Afghanistan, for godsakes. But hey, it’s your life. So anyways, you’re here to read about how to act straight, so let’s cut to the chase.

A model heterosexual always, always finds the opposite gender attractive. That’s basically the golden rule of heterosexuality. If this doesn’t apply to you – sorry, mate – you’re probably either a) asexual or b) about as straight as a circle.

I like girls. They’re good, yeah. That’s why you’ll find, dear readers, that I am perfectly qualified as a heterosexual male. You see, unlike some people, I do not go into denial and throw a hissy fit every time someone says something I don’t like.

For example, Sherlock and I were in Dartmoor a few years back – refer to my post ‘the Hounds of Baskerville’ if you’re interested in the case – and he was being his usual annoying self. He kept turning his coat collar up, too, as though those perfect cheekbones of his needed any more accenting.

I told him he was doing it just to be ‘mysterious’ and so he could ‘look cool’, to which he went into a strop, told me that wasn’t true and faffed off. If anyone’s in denial, it’s him. Seriously, you should have seen the look he gave me back then – his cerulean blue eyes all big and innocent – I almost fell for it and apologized.

Back to my point, if you want to be hetero, remember to appreciate the physical appearance of the opposite gender. You can also try… [to read more, please buy the complete e-book version at http://madeupjohnhwatson-fakedotcom or leave feedback down in the comments below]


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